Dr. Doylene Chan
Find Healing Amidst Adversity
Blog
Blog
An ongoing series of informational entries
An ongoing series of informational entries
Surviving the Holidays with Family
November 7, 2017
Winter is coming and the holidays are quickly upon us! We can anticipate pumpkin spiced lattes, mad dashes to the local grocery, a wild hunt for gifts, and Bing Crosby’s deep melancholic voice playing in the background. Along with this merriment, some of us actually dread the annual family gatherings that threaten our inner peace. Difficult family members can intentionally or unintentionally exhibit off-putting, hurtful, or insensitive behavior, that negatively impacts our psyche.
Here are some tips on how to survive the holidays with difficult family members:
1. Set Boundaries: It is always a good idea to set firm boundaries and have an actionable plan in place.
Off limits: Decide ahead of time what type of behavior is off limits and crosses the threshold of tolerance. You should not be subjected to emotional, verbal, or physical abuse by family members. If this is the case, ask yourself: Is it worth the effort to attend? Would having an ally present help? Would a limited timeframe decrease the odds of a negative interaction? If the answer is a flat NO, listen to your instinct, respect your boundaries, and make other plans.
Time: Ask yourself- How much time can I tolerate my family for? Is it 5 days or 2 hours, or even 15 minute increments? Assess this for yourself, and plan your trip accordingly. If you cannot get away, excuse yourself for a quick phone call or even a restroom break. If it becomes increasingly uncomfortable, have an exit strategy in place. Also, allot some time afterwards to recover from your time with family. Your mind and body will thank you.
Topics: Think about what conversations you would like to engage in, and those you would like to avoid like the plague. Remember that you don’t have to attend every argument in which you are invited. Ask yourself- How would I like to behave and can I make a positive contribution?
2. Let go of control:
Many of us wish that we could have a more delightful dinner conversation or at least expect a family member to exhibit more socially acceptable behavior. We think that if the family member would abide by our rules and expectations, there would be peace on earth and good will to men. However, the reality is we can only control ourselves and ask ourselves to behave accordingly. The irony is that the more we try to control others, the more power we give them over our thoughts and emotions. Thus, it is befitting for us to stop trying to control others and lower our expectations. We regain our power, when we let go of control and try to accept others for who they are.
3. Find the Fun and Festive:
Even in dismal situations, I am a firm believer that we can always try to find some holiday cheer. You can choose to reach deep into your generous soul and consider if there is anything that may bring some joy and levity to your family or at the very least, yourself. This could mean organizing an ugly Christmas sweater contest, building gingerbread houses, or even a simple game of football. Sometimes engaging in an alternate activity, can ease the tension and bring out the child in all of us.
On Grief
June 2, 2017
The death of someone you love is one of the deepest sorrows you can ever endure. Unfortunately, it is part of the human condition and you will inevitably experience the loss of a loved one at some point in your life. People tend to express grief in their own unique ways, and grief tends to have a universal impact on the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual state of the mourner. Oftentimes the pain is so intense that the mourner would like to avoid confronting it altogether. However, it is vital that the mourner work through the tasks of grief for a healthy adjustment, and to prevent unaddressed grief from manifesting into a physical or mental disorder.
Dr. Chan is a licensed psychologist who specializes in providing bereavement counseling to individuals, couples, families, and groups, who have experienced the death of a loved one. She was motivated to pursue clinical training in this field after having experiencing her own personal losses and feeling paralyzed by the grief. Chan feels passionate about using her knowledge, skills and experience to help others heal through the unspeakable pain of loss. She provides a safe space for clients to express their emotions and thoughts, guidance on what the grief process might look like, and how to effectively cope. Chan provides continuous support in adjusting to changes after the loss, particularly on birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays.